Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize