I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
