so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
