Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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