After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
