so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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