Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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