i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
