Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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