I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
