Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
