I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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