a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
