My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
