the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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