he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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