if only i could text you this smell
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
