I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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