My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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