Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
