if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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