Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize