i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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