My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
