I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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