I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
