my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
