The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize