Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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