The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What drink are we having for lunch?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
