I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
