i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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