He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
