she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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