I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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