i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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