I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
