Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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