you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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