apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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