She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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