I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
