You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
