I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize