i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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