nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
