I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
