So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
