he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
