Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
