Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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