Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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