I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
