Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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