funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
