i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
