but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Randomize
