I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize