What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize