I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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