okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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